Archive for the ‘Yummy’ Category

I love sweets

May 20, 2008

I’d be pretty happy to have 90 per cent of my meals based around sweets. Not even fancy expensive ones – I mean the cheapest, chewiest, most falsely neon coloured sweets available. I’ve loved them since I first accompanied my mum on shopping trips to the supermarket back in those halcyon, sugar-flavoured days. She would allow me and my sisters a pick ‘n’ mix selection from the array of inedible, jaw breaking, sticky, often peculiarly shaped treats.

They were clearly terrible for my teeth and general health since these days I have a mouth that has as much gold and silver in it as a display tray at Elizabeth Duke and I’m pretty short, pale, stumpy and as unfit as Rik Waller before his short stint on Celebrity Fit Club. Thanks, mum.


I love instant coffee

April 14, 2008

I can’t believe there are people out there who turn their noses up at instant coffee. It’s so much more satisfying and less bitter than filter coffee and loads cheaper too. In fact, I find the cheaper the instant coffee, the better a lot of the time. I hate people who refuse to touch instant and look at you like you are a hideous, festering, rat piss-drinking pauper when you offer them some. These are the people who have a ridiculously expensive coffee machine at home, which they spend an hour every morning fiddling with and shovelling what looks like finely powdered faeces into until they end up with an egg cup full of something that tastes like soot. Caustic, gritty, inedible soot. I’m guessing people only make such a pitiful amount of the stuff because that is all they can stomach. In the past, I would naively and politely accept the offer of a cup of this black bile, but not any more. Now, whenever someone offers me some kind of fancy filter coffee, I smugly reply, “Sorry, dear, I only drink instant.”

I love small boobs

March 12, 2008

Small boobs

Mmmmm. I love small boobies. Yum. Thinking about them makes me so happy I feel like I have just watched It’s A Wonderful Life 12 times in a row while eating two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice-cream. It’s a warm, dreamy feeling. And totally non-sexual. Well, maybe a bit sexual, actually.

I love mushrooms

March 10, 2008


No, silly, not those hallucinogens that university students experiment with after becoming bored with the inanity of smoking eighteen spliffs every day. I am talking about the mushrooms that you eat. There are so many different types to choose from and they’re all delicious. Button mushrooms, shiitake, oyster mushrooms. I don’t see why there isn’t a mushroom shop on every high street. I could easily imagine an independent chain called The Happy Mushroom. I mean, there are cheese shops everywhere and those places reek of putrefying dog sick.


I love hanging out with Pegah

February 10, 2008


It was a super nice day on Saturday so me and my friend Pegah decided to have a fun day out…


I love hot dogs

February 7, 2008

Hot dogI love hot dogs. Not those posh hot dogs that they serve in Borough Market that are made out of rare winkle-nosed boar indigenous only to the outer ring of the lower Newfoundland forest and cost £3.77 a gramme. Nope. Not even those hot dogs that you get in Clerkenwell after Fabric kicks out that look and taste like they might actually have real animal in them underneath that swarming mass of greasy fried onions and bird shit that seem so appealing at 6 AM after 23 bottle of £5 Stella and three and a half pills. Nope. The kind of hot dogs I love are made with the nastiest, cheapest, pinkest, fakest looking frankfurters you can find. Multipack of Herta’s weiners in some Mighty Wight? Great! How about those jumbo ones you get at the Odeon that have been rotating on the griddle in minimum wage working automaton’s zit splatter for a month? Even better! A whole can of the fuckers out of a no name brand tin from Lidl that costs 21p? The best! I can taste them now. Like warm, water-injected bastardised pig and chicken meat-filled condoms slithering down my throat. Mmmm.