I love Lily Allen

Now this may be controversial, but I Love Lily Allen. Not her music, or maybe not even her personality – I can’t really say having never met her. But I do love her general appearance. She is the exact epitome of a celebrity who I think is quite fit but not hot enough to be totally inaccessible. That’s not to say I think I could necessarily dampen a digit backstage at Lily Allen and Friends, but she has a definite tawdry edge. On top of that, I think she may embody the safe middle-class version of my mild fetish for sluts with lots of gold jewellery – like the girl who used to deliver papers on my street in Air Max 90s, a ton of gold, and a boob tube. But (I hope) without the chronic syphilis and gonorrhea that I am sure she had.

I love small boobs

Mmmmm. I love small boobies. Yum. Thinking about them makes me so happy I feel like I have just watched It’s A Wonderful Life 12 times in a row while eating two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice-cream. It’s a warm, dreamy feeling. And totally non-sexual. Well, maybe a bit sexual, actually.

I love ALF

People who know me will already be aware of my deep and sincere love of ALF. I’ve been in love with him since the first day our eyes met across my living room – he was on the TV “checking out the fridge” and I was sitting mesmerised chewing on a Wham bar. This must have been about 18 years ago and our love has only grown stronger and stronger by the day since then. I would describe our relationship as a wonderful, soft fuzzy dream where life is simply perfect now and forever more.

I love jellyfish

Jellyfish are amazing. They lurch about, looking like your first 20 attempts at a poached egg; no eyes, no opposable thumb. But watch what humans (especially surfers) do when they come near – they smear their baggy three quarter length Billabong shorts and start pissing on one another (not so “grody” now, are we “bro”?). They’re also the closest thing we have to ghosts – graceful, otherworldly, and pretty scary. They even come encased in ectoplasm like Slimer from Ghostbusters!

I love Tube mice

I am not really a vermin lover, before you get the wrong end of the twig. I will, however, say that I do think mice and pigeons (even rats at a push but only if you can’t see their tails and probably more in cartoon form than live rats) are pretty cute to look at it in pictures. So, as much as I am not really into vermin I do have a marshmallowy soft spot for tube mice. When I say tube mice I, of course, mean the cute teeny-weeny little ones that spend their lives scuttling around the tracks of the shitty London tube stations probably spending the majority of their time dining on leftover shreds of doner kebab meat, Subway sandwich crusts and lapping up dribbles from a discarded Strongbow can whilst also managing to avoid a pretty gruesome death under the wheel of a Northern Line southbound train.

I love hanging out with Pegah

It was a super nice day on Saturday so me and my friend Pegah decided to have a fun day out…