I love sweets

I’d be pretty happy to have 90 per cent of my meals based around sweets. Not even fancy expensive ones – I mean the cheapest, chewiest, most falsely neon coloured sweets available. I’ve loved them since I first accompanied my mum on shopping trips to the supermarket back in those halcyon, sugar-flavoured days. She would allow me and my sisters a pick ‘n’ mix selection from the array of inedible, jaw breaking, sticky, often peculiarly shaped treats.

They were clearly terrible for my teeth and general health since these days I have a mouth that has as much gold and silver in it as a display tray at Elizabeth Duke and I’m pretty short, pale, stumpy and as unfit as Rik Waller before his short stint on Celebrity Fit Club. Thanks, mum.