I love jellyfish

by

Jellyfish are amazing. They lurch about, looking like your first 20 attempts at a poached egg; no eyes, no opposable thumb. But watch what humans (especially surfers) do when they come near – they smear their baggy three quarter length Billabong shorts and start pissing on one another (not so “grody” now, are we “bro”?). They’re also the closest thing we have to ghosts – graceful, otherworldly, and pretty scary. They even come encased in ectoplasm like Slimer from Ghostbusters!

I’ve never seen one in real life. Lots of people – mainly fat losers who spend half their benefit cheque each week on the National Lottery – say their life’s ambition is to swim with dolphins. The pinnacle of my life would be to wrap myself in sting-proof body sock and swim with a jelly fish the size of Moby-Dick. I’d stroke it and hug it and tickle it, swim up into its Rhopailum (that’s its mouth, plebs) and think about how much pain I’d be in if I was naked.

And therein lies the greatest beauty of these wonderful animals. You can never get too close. Look, admire, revere all you want. But don’t touch, or it’ll hurt like hell.

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2 Responses to “I love jellyfish”

  1. wayneypoos Says:

    Jellyfish can see colours even though they have no eyes. they can smell fishy smells from 8 miles away. their tentacles can be up to a kilometer in length. if i wasn’t human id want to be a jellyfish.

  2. patrisha Says:

    I FUCKING LOVE JELLY FISH

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