Archive for February, 2008

I love ALF

February 29, 2008

ALFPeople who know me will already be aware of my deep and sincere love of ALF. I’ve been in love with him since the first day our eyes met across my living room – he was on the TV “checking out the fridge” and I was sitting mesmerised chewing on a Wham bar. This must have been about 18 years ago and our love has only grown stronger and stronger by the day since then. I would describe our relationship as a wonderful, soft fuzzy dream where life is simply perfect now and forever more.

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I love jellyfish

February 22, 2008

Jellyfish are amazing. They lurch about, looking like your first 20 attempts at a poached egg; no eyes, no opposable thumb. But watch what humans (especially surfers) do when they come near – they smear their baggy three quarter length Billabong shorts and start pissing on one another (not so “grody” now, are we “bro”?). They’re also the closest thing we have to ghosts – graceful, otherworldly, and pretty scary. They even come encased in ectoplasm like Slimer from Ghostbusters!

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I love being invisible on buses in Birmingham

February 20, 2008

Busdriver

Recently I went on a little weekend trip to Birmingham. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the big smoke, you know? And FYI, English cities are massively underrated. They have everything you could ever want: Travelodge, TK Maxx, Nando’s, Po Na Na, JD Sports, all the faves. Purrrrrfect.

After getting settled in my hotel room I decided to take a trip into town for a snoop around the shops and local amenities of Birmingham. Luckily, there was a conveniently placed bus stop no more than two minutes from my hotel. A bus quickly arrived and I hopped aboard. After stepping onto the bus, John (who I was with) politely enquired with the bus driver about the price of a ticket to the city centre. The man said £1.20. So John slotted in his £1.20. I, however, assumed that he had popped in the money for both of us and trotted on past the bus driver breezily. We exchanged a polite smile and off I went to locate some seats that were prettily decorated with Big Mac wrappers and other unsightly shit.

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I love Tube mice

February 18, 2008

Tube mouse

I am not really a vermin lover, before you get the wrong end of the twig. I will, however, say that I do think mice and pigeons (even rats at a push but only if you can’t see their tails and probably more in cartoon form than live rats) are pretty cute to look at it in pictures. So, as much as I am not really into vermin I do have a marshmallowy soft spot for tube mice. When I say tube mice I, of course, mean the cute teeny-weeny little ones that spend their lives scuttling around the tracks of the shitty London tube stations probably spending the majority of their time dining on leftover shreds of doner kebab meat, Subway sandwich crusts and lapping up dribbles from a discarded Strongbow can whilst also managing to avoid a pretty gruesome death under the wheel of a Northern Line southbound train.

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I love John Conner

February 17, 2008

Edfurlong2Edward Furlong was the raddest 13-year-old the human race has ever seen. As John Conner in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, he’€™d wake up, tell his foster parents to fuck off, hop on a dirt bike and cruise to the mall where he’d hack cash machines and use the money to play arcade games all day long. Oh yeah, he also beat up android assassins made of intelligent liquid metal sent from the future (to prevent him from later in life leading a guerrilla army of humans to triumph over the machines). So last week I Googled Edward Furlong and happened across his MySpace. Playing on his page he’€™s got a cover version of “€œPeople Are Strange” that he released in Japan in 1992. And guess what? It’s the worst piece-of-shit karaoke track I€’ve ever heard. But that didn’€™t put me off messaging and then befriending Eddie (as I now call him). Turns out he’€™s a really nice guy who has had a few problems in the past but is now back on the up.

I love hanging out with Pegah

February 10, 2008

mad.jpg

It was a super nice day on Saturday so me and my friend Pegah decided to have a fun day out…

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I love hot dogs

February 7, 2008

Hot dogI love hot dogs. Not those posh hot dogs that they serve in Borough Market that are made out of rare winkle-nosed boar indigenous only to the outer ring of the lower Newfoundland forest and cost £3.77 a gramme. Nope. Not even those hot dogs that you get in Clerkenwell after Fabric kicks out that look and taste like they might actually have real animal in them underneath that swarming mass of greasy fried onions and bird shit that seem so appealing at 6 AM after 23 bottle of £5 Stella and three and a half pills. Nope. The kind of hot dogs I love are made with the nastiest, cheapest, pinkest, fakest looking frankfurters you can find. Multipack of Herta’s weiners in some Mighty Wight? Great! How about those jumbo ones you get at the Odeon that have been rotating on the griddle in minimum wage working automaton’s zit splatter for a month? Even better! A whole can of the fuckers out of a no name brand tin from Lidl that costs 21p? The best! I can taste them now. Like warm, water-injected bastardised pig and chicken meat-filled condoms slithering down my throat. Mmmm.