I love Ted’s Draws

November 5, 2014 by

Outkast tshirt

What’s the best t-shirt label going right now? Ted’s Draws. Every single design they do is amazing – OutKast, Busta Rhymes, Janet Jackson, Sade.

I am not alone in liking them – everyone from Jourdan Dunn to Jessie Ware are fans. They’ve also collaborated with everyone from Palace to Le Coq Sportif to Virgin Records.

Everything they do is really limited so if you get the chance to buy a design you shouldn’t think twice.


I love Heather from Eastenders

June 3, 2008 by

My flatmate Grant (or Granny as we have renamed him) got me into Eastenders around Christmas time. I’d never been a massive fan at any time in my life really. I would dip in here and there when things got particularly interesting. I was obviously on the edge of my seat for weeks during the whole Trevor vs Wee Mo incident but besides that there is little I remember. Granny had been back home for Christmas and got into the habit of watching it daily with his mum. Given this intense period of Eastenders viewing he was able to get a pretty good grasp of what was going on in Albert Square and was soon hooked.

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I love sweets

May 20, 2008 by

I’d be pretty happy to have 90 per cent of my meals based around sweets. Not even fancy expensive ones – I mean the cheapest, chewiest, most falsely neon coloured sweets available. I’ve loved them since I first accompanied my mum on shopping trips to the supermarket back in those halcyon, sugar-flavoured days. She would allow me and my sisters a pick ‘n’ mix selection from the array of inedible, jaw breaking, sticky, often peculiarly shaped treats.

They were clearly terrible for my teeth and general health since these days I have a mouth that has as much gold and silver in it as a display tray at Elizabeth Duke and I’m pretty short, pale, stumpy and as unfit as Rik Waller before his short stint on Celebrity Fit Club. Thanks, mum.
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I love Lily Allen

April 15, 2008 by

Now this may be controversial, but I Love Lily Allen. Not her music, or maybe not even her personality – I can’t really say having never met her. But I do love her general appearance. She is the exact epitome of a celebrity who I think is quite fit but not hot enough to be totally inaccessible. That’s not to say I think I could necessarily dampen a digit backstage at Lily Allen and Friends, but she has a definite tawdry edge. On top of that, I think she may embody the safe middle-class version of my mild fetish for sluts with lots of gold jewellery – like the girl who used to deliver papers on my street in Air Max 90s, a ton of gold, and a boob tube. But (I hope) without the chronic syphilis and gonorrhea that I am sure she had.

I love instant coffee

April 14, 2008 by

I can’t believe there are people out there who turn their noses up at instant coffee. It’s so much more satisfying and less bitter than filter coffee and loads cheaper too. In fact, I find the cheaper the instant coffee, the better a lot of the time. I hate people who refuse to touch instant and look at you like you are a hideous, festering, rat piss-drinking pauper when you offer them some. These are the people who have a ridiculously expensive coffee machine at home, which they spend an hour every morning fiddling with and shovelling what looks like finely powdered faeces into until they end up with an egg cup full of something that tastes like soot. Caustic, gritty, inedible soot. I’m guessing people only make such a pitiful amount of the stuff because that is all they can stomach. In the past, I would naively and politely accept the offer of a cup of this black bile, but not any more. Now, whenever someone offers me some kind of fancy filter coffee, I smugly reply, “Sorry, dear, I only drink instant.”

I love Sharpe

April 3, 2008 by

SharpeI love Sharpe. We all know The Sopranos, The Wire, 24 and so on are the inanely hip, gripping series for our generation. But I really must say that nothing in my world beats a night in watching Sean Bean rage through the arid fields of Portugal or France in his beautiful emerald green uniform slaying the rotten Frenchies. Every episode there is a new wench, her milky white bosom surging out of her corset, her delicate curls framing her so very English face. Then there is the never-ending thrill of class related conflicts. Sharpe, being raised from the ranks is an officer – but not a gentleman. This leads to many a duel with snotty officers who haven’t even had a whiff of the black powder upon the field of battle or so much glanced a French eagle standard, let alone capture one at the battle of Talevera like Sharpe did. I have sadly finished my Sharpe box set and am now battling through the lonely evenings without the company of that swarthy Yorkshire man and his chosen men. Woe is indeed me.

I love small boobs

March 12, 2008 by

Small boobs

Mmmmm. I love small boobies. Yum. Thinking about them makes me so happy I feel like I have just watched It’s A Wonderful Life 12 times in a row while eating two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice-cream. It’s a warm, dreamy feeling. And totally non-sexual. Well, maybe a bit sexual, actually.
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I love mushrooms

March 10, 2008 by


No, silly, not those hallucinogens that university students experiment with after becoming bored with the inanity of smoking eighteen spliffs every day. I am talking about the mushrooms that you eat. There are so many different types to choose from and they’re all delicious. Button mushrooms, shiitake, oyster mushrooms. I don’t see why there isn’t a mushroom shop on every high street. I could easily imagine an independent chain called The Happy Mushroom. I mean, there are cheese shops everywhere and those places reek of putrefying dog sick.

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I love shitty magazines

March 9, 2008 by


My love of shitty magazines is what you would call a guilty pleasure. By shitty magazines, I mean the lower-end titles such as Closer, Reveal, Pick Me Up and Love It!. The ones that are around £1 or under.

I dearly love the random mix of celebrity insight, real-life scandal, fashion, and inane puzzles that fill their cheap glossy pages. My true soft spot is for the real-life stories from fruit and nut bars across the land desperate to share their tales of mortifying grossness and horror for £150.

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I love ALF

February 29, 2008 by

ALFPeople who know me will already be aware of my deep and sincere love of ALF. I’ve been in love with him since the first day our eyes met across my living room – he was on the TV “checking out the fridge” and I was sitting mesmerised chewing on a Wham bar. This must have been about 18 years ago and our love has only grown stronger and stronger by the day since then. I would describe our relationship as a wonderful, soft fuzzy dream where life is simply perfect now and forever more.

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I love jellyfish

February 22, 2008 by

Jellyfish are amazing. They lurch about, looking like your first 20 attempts at a poached egg; no eyes, no opposable thumb. But watch what humans (especially surfers) do when they come near – they smear their baggy three quarter length Billabong shorts and start pissing on one another (not so “grody” now, are we “bro”?). They’re also the closest thing we have to ghosts – graceful, otherworldly, and pretty scary. They even come encased in ectoplasm like Slimer from Ghostbusters!

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I love being invisible on buses in Birmingham

February 20, 2008 by


Recently I went on a little weekend trip to Birmingham. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the big smoke, you know? And FYI, English cities are massively underrated. They have everything you could ever want: Travelodge, TK Maxx, Nando’s, Po Na Na, JD Sports, all the faves. Purrrrrfect.

After getting settled in my hotel room I decided to take a trip into town for a snoop around the shops and local amenities of Birmingham. Luckily, there was a conveniently placed bus stop no more than two minutes from my hotel. A bus quickly arrived and I hopped aboard. After stepping onto the bus, John (who I was with) politely enquired with the bus driver about the price of a ticket to the city centre. The man said £1.20. So John slotted in his £1.20. I, however, assumed that he had popped in the money for both of us and trotted on past the bus driver breezily. We exchanged a polite smile and off I went to locate some seats that were prettily decorated with Big Mac wrappers and other unsightly shit.

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I love Tube mice

February 18, 2008 by

Tube mouse

I am not really a vermin lover, before you get the wrong end of the twig. I will, however, say that I do think mice and pigeons (even rats at a push but only if you can’t see their tails and probably more in cartoon form than live rats) are pretty cute to look at it in pictures. So, as much as I am not really into vermin I do have a marshmallowy soft spot for tube mice. When I say tube mice I, of course, mean the cute teeny-weeny little ones that spend their lives scuttling around the tracks of the shitty London tube stations probably spending the majority of their time dining on leftover shreds of doner kebab meat, Subway sandwich crusts and lapping up dribbles from a discarded Strongbow can whilst also managing to avoid a pretty gruesome death under the wheel of a Northern Line southbound train.

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I love John Conner

February 17, 2008 by

Edfurlong2Edward Furlong was the raddest 13-year-old the human race has ever seen. As John Conner in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, he’€™d wake up, tell his foster parents to fuck off, hop on a dirt bike and cruise to the mall where he’d hack cash machines and use the money to play arcade games all day long. Oh yeah, he also beat up android assassins made of intelligent liquid metal sent from the future (to prevent him from later in life leading a guerrilla army of humans to triumph over the machines). So last week I Googled Edward Furlong and happened across his MySpace. Playing on his page he’€™s got a cover version of “€œPeople Are Strange” that he released in Japan in 1992. And guess what? It’s the worst piece-of-shit karaoke track I€’ve ever heard. But that didn’€™t put me off messaging and then befriending Eddie (as I now call him). Turns out he’€™s a really nice guy who has had a few problems in the past but is now back on the up.